Desolation

I know I’ve hurt you a lot,

I know I’ve made you weep and wish you were dead.

Alas, I know I’ve boasted how well I manage relationships.

Thank you for proving me wrong,

Thank you for letting me know where I stand,

I’ll never forget how much I owe u for that…

How could I be so naïve?

To think that I could live without you, how could I?

Me, always been a loner,

Never had a soul to share my feelings with,

And you came into my life, changed all that.

You showed me the thrill life has to offer,

And made me live it too!

We shared our exploits to no end,

You kindled the dead spirit in me,

Brought the child in me back to life…

Yet I, insensate enough to think so lowly of you,

So numb with my own vanity

To not see through your troubled heart,

How could I leave you then, when you were fighting between life and death?

And then come back so solemnly, when I needed you again.

Again, you there so unselfish

To accept me back in your life without malice,

And endure all my peevishness with no ill will at all.

I guess I had to live my sentence without you knowing any of it.

Strange that He has His own ways of making things right by Himself…

Coz now that you’re gone and so far away,

Coz now that I have no one else to turn to,

Coz now that your one time mentor needs your mentoring.

I feel so alienated in this all familiar world,

Strange… these human feelings I’m being subjected to now,

That I’m getting so restless,

That every thought of mine is in negation with my own beliefs,

That every notion my mind conjures up is evil fate for my beloved.

I don’t want this to be,

I don’t want this Satan in me to subdue my neat conscience

And create mayhem in my otherwise liberal mind.

The stars have always advised me against company

And the learned always bewared me the same,

Yet I realized it much too late,

And now do I have to face the consequences

And now do I play the blame game,

Knowing all the while – the victim of my wrongdoings,

Is none other than me myself.

Yet I blame for this as well,

What is it that divides me from compos mentis?

Why can’t I focus on doing the right stuff proper?

Instead of blaming my peers

For not watching my back.

I want this to change for the better,

I want to feel genuine satisfaction,

I want to be able to look myself in the mirror,

And not cringe in disgust,

I want to be able to look myself in the mirror one day,

And feel content with what I see…